When you’re sick and need an operation you adjust your fears so that you can do what you need to.
When your body is cut and something removed you adjust your body to be accepting of that space.
It’s not easy to adjust especially more than once and you feel like when will I ever stop having to adjust to unfair stuff that isn’t my fault and I don’t function the way I used to.
Most people don’t function the way they used to. Aging is a slow loss of function in many areas.
We learn to adjust to these things because the alternative is to be pissed off at yourself and your body and the world around you and why is it that your body that has always been there for you decides now to act in ways that are incomprehensible and only something to be read in a medical journal?
Then you have your energy. What glows from you what surrounds you and announces your arrival in the room. It’s pissed off that something so drastic has happened. It will send out storm clouds and green gas and flashing lights until the body has decided that it is okay with this new change.
This new body is the same one you were born in but is now unrecognizable to itself not only because of these medical procedures but also for having matured and become sexual, having made a person and having been useful and a good place to house that glorious brain full of curiosity, creativity, love, need and desire for a good long time.
While you wait for everything to adjust and try to make room for even more changes, you suffer. Suffer the pain. Suffer the unfairness. Suffer the lack of will.
Tears and tears in your body and soul will take time to adjust. Tears are healing of the tears in your body and heart.
Who am I now in this new body? Who was I then in the old body? What is there left to do? Why is this happening to me?
I wish there would be a supreme being in charge of everything that had an answer to that one. In the mean time, we struggle with these questions everyday whether we have illness or live in perfect health.
Does my existence and suffering count for anything? I think it does.
You are here and because of that I have a friend and other people have a friend or a Mom or a Wife or a cousin or daughter that matters.
You cry a tear and the world around you changes like ripples in a pond. When you cry and share that with me as brave as you are I cry and heal myself.
It’s shit in a can that you have on your plate so make a face, choke it down and scream about it.
No one has asked you to be super human so human is just right.
Adjust, adjust and adjust again. Laugh at how unfair it is.
I wish I were a supreme being in charge of everything that had the answers and the power to take away your pain because I would.